New Years....Resolutions?

As this year comes to a close I find myself, along with many others, contemplating what my resolution for 2013 will be. So far I have come up with the following:

"Jo, get your fat ass up and BACK TO THE GYM!! RUN LIKE YOU'VE NEVER RUN BEFORE!!"

                                                 or...

"Jo, sit your lazy ass down and WRITE MORE! Seriously, how many writing projects have been shelved recently?  4? 5?"

                                                 or...

"Jo, stop eating foods that are terrible for you! You're nearly 30 for fucks sake! Your heart and GI tract will thank you for it!"

                                                or.....

"Jo, you should bake more. I mean, seriously, that's probably the one thing you're good at. Make MORE desserts!!"

                           ...and last but certainly not least...

"Jo, READ!!!!!!!! Stop buying books and saying you're GOING to read them. Just read! It's really not that hard."

As you can see I have options. In all honesty though, I'm really not that mean to myself. But every so often I think I need a little "drill instructor from Full Metal Jacket-style" motivation to get my ass in gear. Although I think I'm missing a "maggot" or two in there somewhere. 

I was doing really well for a while heading to the gym every other day, which was partnered with eating better (i.e. cooking fresh meals, fruits and veggies for lunch, etc.). Over the past few weeks with every going on, I honestly haven't been in the mood for "healthy" food or working out. I really just wanted to curl up with Yeti on the couch in my bathrobe and PJ's and drink cocoa. And that's exactly what I did. Of course I'm feeling the effects of that now. I'm even starting to get flabby upper arms. That never happens to me! Somethings gotta change and soon. It looks like it's once again time for lunch-time salads and a much needed date to get re-acquainted with the treadmill. 

On to my poor writing projects: "The Job", "The Lovecraft Paradox", "Sadie" and "Christ Of The Dead" (a collaborative effort with Yeti). I kinda feel bad leaving all of my characters in limbo. I can't tell who is in worse shape. Aloysius Baxter Cunningham just got the snot beaten out of him in an alley way and Sadie just discovered how she can use her evil powers for good but she's been unable to use them! Ugh. Part of my problem is (you guessed it) TIME! I spend all day at work in front of a computer. You'd think I'd be able to get some of these things out! And my desk is not the kind of place I can easily whip out a notebook and jot down all the strange musings in my head. It's a constant barrage of interruptions as soon as I start to get a new idea. Even as I type this, Then of course by the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is sit in front of my computer (because I could be doing something else like, I don't know, GOING TO THE GYM, or baking, or reading). What a conundrum I find myself in. 

I'm quite proud of myself that I've finally embraced my inner baker, taking after my grandmother and father. There's something truly special about making a cake that is NOT from a boxed mix. Recently, with the unfortunate demise of the Hostess Snack Cake company (or whatever it was officially called), I've decided to take it upon myself to re-create some of their delicious treats for friends and family who can't have them anymore. All from scratch and without the additional junk and preservatives. So far the Jo-Stess Bakery seems to be a hit. The problem with making delicious cakes and treats, however, is the need to EAT THEM. In a house consisting of only myself and Yeti, that makes it hard! How does one practice their baking skills and watch what they're eating at the same time? Either your baking goes stale and bad, or you eat it and consume all those calories. Unfortunate circumstances abound all over the place. 

Of all the things on my list to "resolve to do" in 2013, reading more is near the bottom.Believe me, I understand the importance of reading, especially when writing is a hobby as well. The two go hand-in-hand. I'm not saying its any less important than my other resolutions, I just feel like I could be doing something else while i'm sitting and reading. I actually have the same problem when I think about going to bed or sleeping in general. "I could be doing something constructive with my time! Who needs sleep when there are so many things I could accomplish?!" Are you seeing a pattern here? It's a vicious cycle I find myself in at times. I have so many great books i'm looking forward to cracking open! But between sleeping, eating,working, spending quality time with Yeti, going to the gym, baking, writing, cleaning my house, finding time to spend with friends and family,and finding time to breathe in between all of that....reading seems so far down the list. 

Gawd, if I feel busy now, what's going to happen when I eventually have a kid? 

My friends, does your resolution look like this? Everything is so totally doable and easy, yet so ridiculously contradictory? Fuck. I feel like this year I am missing the point of making a resolution. Aren't you supposed to feel better when you come up with these things? Now I'm just confused. Although Maybe I'm not looking at the bigger picture here. Clearly I have a slew of things I want to improve on for 2013.  Maybe what I really need to work on for this new year is time management. I'm sure i'll work out some sort of schedule soon. But I guess I better get cracking since....2013 is literally a DAY AWAY! AHHHHH!!! 

I know I can do all of this but just writing this and reading it back is making me exhausted already. Despite all of this though, I look forward to the fresh start the New Year brings. After the way 2012 decided to end, I think we can all agree on that without a doubt. Hey, we survived the end of the world right ;)? I think that's reason enough to celebrate! In the immortal words of the Monty Python gang:

Cheers to 2013!

On Being an Auntie

It is with a heavy heart that I write this post today.

This past Friday, the 21st, my beautiful Aunt Sandra lost the fight for her life. It's only been 3 days and I already miss her terribly. I have only suffered a handful of gut-wrenching losses in my 30 years on this earth and this is by far one of the worst. It is exacerbated further knowing that my brother and I were less than 12 hours away from going to see her when we heard the news. I keep telling myself (and him) that we couldn't have known. It could have happened last week, a month from now, or even a month prior. We don't have control over these things, I know, but it still hurts. I take comfort knowing she is not in pain anymore and she is not suffering. I also know that she was welcomed to the next life by my baby cousin Adam and my grandfather (or Bumpa, as he was lovingly referred to). I'm somewhat jealous of her because of that actually.  I also know that even though the wounds are still fresh and that scar will always remain when it heals, I am now and always will be surrounded by some of the most amazing and strongest people in the world to help me through; My husband, my parents, my brother, my grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends and most importantly, especially now, my niece and nephews.

I have always loved my aunts. All of them. If I may say, without sounding too boastful, I feel like I was blessed with the cream of the crop.They have shown me how to love unconditionally, given me a shoulder to lean on in dark times and have taught me what family is all about. As a child, they were all extensions of my mother. Each and every one of them looking out for me, making sure I had whatever I wanted and  most importantly that I was taken care of. Now as an adult, my aunts have become some of my closest friends. My mothers sisters Wanda and Sandra, my fathers sisters Mary and Wendy, and those who have come to me by marriage Julie, Paula, Maria and Debbie have all shown me what an Aunt truly should be.They have all brought to the table something special that I will hold dear to me for as long as I live.

 My Aunt Sandra, in particular, would always ask me every time I saw her "Are you still writing?". She was constantly giving me notebooks as gifts and would encourage me to "keep on writing". It is because of her that I am able to put this together today. It is because of her that I am proud to write this. Yes, Auntie, I am still writing and I promise to keep writing if it will make you smile in the next life.

Over the past two years, I have been given the extraordinary gift of being an "auntie" to 3 incredible little children: Ellie, Michael and Sam. Saturday night, when I was still feeling raw from the loss, I got to spend time with all 3 of them. I can't tell you how much it lifted my spirits. Seeing their faces light up as they opened their gifts from Auntie Jo and Uncle Yeti filled me with such joy. I feel so blessed and lucky to a part of these children's lives. Even though we are not blood relatives, I will still treat them as if they were. I hope that as their "auntie", I am able to impact their little lives with the love and wisdom and strength the way my aunts have for me. I will honor my Aunt Sandra's memory by being the best auntie I can be for them. 

It is hard to get excited for the Christmas season, I know. We have seen so much tragedy just in this month alone. But I think it's important to hold to our traditions and celebrations, despite all of this. The living cannot stop,well, living just because a life or even lives have ended. By all means, mourn in the way you know how or the way that you prefer, but do not stop living. Our loved ones would not want us to do that. It is important to embrace the good, along with the bad. I think this song here sums it up particularly well. "In all the places we find love, it feels like Christmas". What an important sentiment to hold on to! Fill your homes and your hearts with love this season and then send that love to the heavens. I don't know about you all but I plan to laugh often, be merry, give hugs, maybe even shed a tear or two, and most importantly use the words "I love you" as much as possible.

Merry Christmas, Auntie Sandy. Merry Christmas to those precious little souls from Newtown, CT. Merry Christmas to all, and a wish of nothing but peace and happiness for 2013. 

Some Notes On "The Job", Newtown and Family....

Writing pet peeve #1: Losing perfectly good ideas while my brain wastes away at work. Where in the world do all my ideas go?? All my strange musings and questions about this crazy ass world around me seem to disappear like someone erased the chalkboard in my brain. Maybe I should get with the times and invest in a thumb drive for my brain or something. That way nothing gets lost. Aww hell, who am I kidding? I would probably lose the thumb drive. 

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for the past few days and it’s amazing how the nature of it has changed the longer I’ve been thinking about it. The tragic events that occurred over the weekend planted the seed in my head, and my own nearly life-shattering incidents with a few of my family members caused it to grow. I feel it is only fitting since I’ve decided to examine life and death in “The Job” to let loose how these happenings have affected me. Writing has always been a coping mechanism for me, so I hope that by getting some of this off my chest, sleep will come easier than it has the past few nights.

(Disclaimer: I feel the need to emphasize that this post is strictly going to be about my own philosophy in regard to life and death. There will be no mention of gun violence/gun control or how mental illness may have contributed to the unspeakable events that occurred at Sandy Hook Elementary School. There is a time and place for those discussions to happen. This blog is strictly for my own self examination and this is how I choose to deal with this specific situation.)  

When I first started writing “The Job”, my initial goal with it was to maybe help people re-examine how they view death. In it our main character, obsessed with his own demise, is not only faced with it but also accompanies Death while it merely does what it is there to do: it’s job. In Part 3 (which I’ve yet to put up), we get to witness what happens when someone IS ready for death and how the spirit himself copes with it, trying to get our main character to understand what passing from this life to the next truly entails. Hell, we even find out where ghosts come from. However, when the subject matter hits so close to home and in such a violent manner, it’s made even me step back and re-examine my thoughts on Death. I guess that happens when you think you finally have everything figured out. 

Beginning with hearing the news of the tragedy in Newtown, CT, it seemed like Death was knocking everywhere I turned. Just as I had begun to process what happened there, I got a call (a text to be more specific) informing me that my aunt had taken a turn for the worse. Although I had been expecting a call like that for some time now, it still didn’t make it any easier to hear. Just over 12 hours later, I got another call concerning my beloved grandfather who was also admitted to the hospital after a bad fall. Armed with only the knowledge that he had fallen and was being admitted to the ICU, I broke down. When was the bad news going to stop? It got to the point where I was literally shaking in fear the next time the phone rang. It seemed as though everything was coming apart at the seams.

As I type this, however, both my grandfather and aunt are still with us. As much as I am thankful to the Fates for choosing to give my relatives more time on this Earth, I can’t help but wonder why. Seemingly their lives were spared whereas 26 people, including 20 children, all had their lives stolen from them in the blink of an eye.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but this has me baffled.

Were these innocent little lives taken to spare them from having to relive the horror of what they experienced that day? Were they just in the wrong place at the wrong time? And why did it have to happen during what is supposed to be one of the most joyous times of the year? Sometimes I wonder why my brain even goes to these bizarre places in regards to a tragedy such as this when there seems to be bigger issues at hand.

In my story, Death acts as a comforter and a healer of sorts. Death is there to come to the aide of those who are ailing, or in pain, or even those coming to the end of a truly long life and are ready to rest. It does not come as a harbinger of grief and sorrow to those who truly need it. I guess to be perfectly blunt about it you could call Death the Jack Kevorkian of the spirit world. That is how I began to view death in my adult life. I would certainly like to hold on that ideal, but it is getting more and more difficult everyday. 


I can only seem to come up with one somewhat rational idea as to why these things have transpired the way they did. I think we forget from time to time just how precious life is. We get so caught up in our fast-paced, day-to-day lives that we need reminding just how quickly things can change. Maybe this is fates way of telling us all to slow down. Enjoy this precious time that we have been given with out loved ones. Make each minute with them count. As much as it seems unfair that my grandfather and aunt will be with us longer and these poor children lost their lives, my family and I have been given more time with them. I will cherish what short time we all have left together because I don't know when they will be gone. 

I think all this yelling and going back and forth about gun control/accessibility and arguing about how to deal with the mentally ill is all for naught. Instead of yelling at the lefty liberal who wants to take away everyone's guns or that right-wing conservative that wants to arm everyone with assault rifle's, why not channel that energy into something positive? What's important right now are our children, our mothers and fathers, our grandparents, aunts and uncles, and our nieces and nephews. Choose love instead of hate. Cherish life now.

I hope that one day a tragedy such as this doesn't have to occur to snap us back to reality about our own mortality. I also hope that one day we have the real reason why these things happen and stop fighting each other over them.

The Job: Part 2

Well that took me long enough, didn't it? I have this horrible habit of making a resolution to do something regularly (i.e. writing, going to the gym, etc.) and the somehow ending up having a slew of random events filling up calender!  It's like a universal conspiracy is going on or something! Well I've got news for the Universe: This chick does not give up easily! I will get EVERYTHING I have to do done. Even if it takes me  a little while, it will STILL come to an end. So without further ado (because I know you've all been chomping at the bit, right :-p ), here is part 2 of 3 of "The Job". Quick refresher since I  know it's been a bit since the last installment: Our poor, unfortunate soul of an anti-hero just met with Death and it's quite clear that things are not going to be heading in the direction he thought they were. 

It stood quietly. It wore a tattered black robe and seemed to emit a pearlescent, unearthly shimmer. The robe billowed as if it was being blown by some unseen wind from beyond. Its face, if it had one at all, was shrouded in the darkness of the robes hood. In one hand, it held the scythe that is so synonymous with its name. The embers from my wood stove reflected off the sharp blade and it gave off a hellacious glow. I froze. Death had finally come for me.

I cried out and trembled as I slowly stood to face my fate. The moment I had been waiting for was far more terrifying than I expected. “I knew you would come for me.” I said. “I knew it was only a matter of time.” It stood silently staring at me. The vacant space that I could only identify as its head seemed to curiously tilt to one side. “So this is where it ends. For you are the great and powerful Death! This is the auspicious moment that we all must pass through. You are the undeniable force and you came just as I expected. Unannounced, like a thief in the night, ready to strike at any moment. But you’ve failed at that! I’ve known you were coming! Well go on then, take my life. I’ve been waiting for you!”

Death held up it’s skeletal hand and gestured for me to be silent. It seemed to let out a diabolical chuckle. Finally it spoke. “You say that you have been waiting for my arrival but I must ask...do you even know why I am here? And how long have you been rehearsing that eloquent soliloquy? Did you really think you would have time to recite it?” The voice was deep and echoed like it bounced off the walls of an endless cavern. I stood aghast at this statement. Why would Death ask me this? “Great and powerful, you say. I’m sorry to disappoint you but, I am anything but. Your assessment of what I do is also curious. But it only makes sense considering the, how should I put this, powers that be have listed you as ‘Alive yet Dead’ or the equivalent of a lost cause. That, my friend, is why I am here.”

“So then you’ve come to put me out of my misery?” I asked quietly.

“Ahh.” Death chuckled once again.”You are so eager to pass from this world. Maybe I should take you after all and give you what you want.”

“Ha!” I scoffed. “So I want this? Does anybody want this? How dare you imply that anyone WANTS to die. But that is how you operate, I know it. That is what you tell everyone when you get caught, isn’t it?”

“The misconceptions you have about me and what I do are laughable.”

“What kind of game are you playing at here? I don’t understand. If you’re trying to trick me,I can tell you it’s not working.”

“Silence!” The voice of Death boomed and shook the room. It filled me with such dread that I feel to floor trembling. “I am not trying to fool you! Your ignorance will be what dooms you! Now take heed to what I am about to say.” With that, I froze. I nodded silently in agreeance. Whatever Death had come for, whether it be to take my life or not, I would not actively resist but I would watch it carefully. “It is your own unknowing opinion of what we do that brings me to you this night! If you will come with me now, and allow me to show the true nature of Death, I promise that no harm will come to you.” It held out it’s arm swathed in black, tattered cloth.

I stood slowly, still feeling an impenetrable weakness and quivering running up and down my legs. Where would Death take me? Should I trust it, or him or her, or whatever it was? After all I was supposed to be ready for this, wasn’t I? I spoke not a word and cautiously took it’s bony, cold hand. At the moment I  knew this was truly real. Death really was standing in front of me and I had made contact with it. There was no turning back now. For all I knew, I could’ve been dead already. What choice did I have? “Very well then. Know this, my friend: Where I am about to take you is a place that few see. A perspective and understanding that very few are able to grasp.”

As it spoke, the walls of my home seemed to melt away like candle wax revealing a velvety blackness intertwined with bits of iridescent silver and gray moving fluidly around us. The floor rippled beneath my feet and it too dripped away, even though I still felt as if I was standing on solid ground. A biting cold breeze swirled around us. The faint glimmer from the wood stove behind me was the last bit of my reality to fade away. I watched as it’s resplendent reflection in the blade faded to nothing more than a candle flicker before it was extinguished completely. I could barely make out my otherworldly guide who stood merely feet in front of me, and whose glacial phalanges still gripped me. The stinging breeze increased to a wintry storm force gale and cut right through me like a hot knife through butter. I shivered throughout.

After several excruciating minutes being pummeled by the numbing cyclone, it came to an abrupt end. Low and behold, bits of white light shone through the void. The swirling stopped and the blackness faded. The scene beginning to emerge around us none other than the stark white cleanliness of a hospital wing. We stood in the middle of a long hallway with wooden double doors in front of us and a set of clunky old elevators which clunkily churned to our right. Various precautionary signs lined the walls. I turned to ask the spirit of Death Incarnate why we had come here, only to find that it was not the being I had exited my home with. What stood before me can be described only as a form of angel. Death now wore a long, white, silk robe and bore no staff or devilish sycthe. It had human-looking hands and a face. It’s golden hair settled neatly on it’s shoulders. I was no longer afraid of this form of Death. But why had it changed forms? What was going on? What was I about to witness? I opened my mouth to speak but it chimed in before I could even utter a syllable.

“From this point on, you are nothing but a mere shadow of yourself. No one will be able to see you or interact with you. What brings us here today is the true nature of what I do. You seem to think you understand what my job is. Today you will learn. I am more than just a harbinger of sadness and woe.”

Look for Part 3 of 'The Job" coming soon!! 

P.S. It has nothing do with Animaniacs or checkers, i've just always loved this portrayal of Death and needed to include it somewhere! You can watch an excerot from the episode here!