At first I was going to write something about how sad I was and not really knowing why. I actually got to a point yesterday where I was questioning what's funny. I posted something on Facebook and I said to Yeti "That was funny, right?" That got me really worried. Then I realized that these momentary emotional snags happen to me from time to time and I know how to deal with it. There is no reason to burden the blogosphere with such baggage. Long story short: I come from a family with a strange history of mental disorders which are including but not limited to alzheimers, bi-polar disorder, anxiety and depression. I don't say that to be mean or insulting, it's just the honest truth and it's something that I worry about a lot. Now don't get me wrong, I have only been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder but I am always trying to keep my emotions in check to keep the others at bay. It's best to know what is lurking in the shadows I think. Hell, just typing that all out and putting it out there for everyone to read makes me feel a bit better. Thank the Goddess for giving me such an amazing support system with Yeti. He is my rock who helps me through everything without a question. Without him, I might be worse off than I am. He happened to post this little picture on my wall on Facebook a week or so ago and I've had to look at it several times since. I just wish I believed it.
Didn't I say at the beginning of this that I wasn't going to burden the blogosphere with my insane blathering? Moving on....
Then I was going to write about a minor snag I hit with regards to officially opening the Jostess Bakery. It's ok. It was slightly jarring yesterday but I'm recouping and weighing different options I have on the table. This bakery is going to open if it kills me. If I really want this, I've gotta take some leaps of faith I guess. A wise man yesterday said to me in a quote from Seamus Heaney: "To Malcolm With High Regard: Walk On Air Against Your Better Judgement." It seemed very fitting considering I had just been dealt a strange blow and was ready to admit defeat. It's also strange because this person didn't actually know what was going on so I was completely floored by its appropriateness. I got to where I am today by taking a risk. A big risk. And I've come out on top as a result. But I know me. I know how I react to things. "Well this is a clearly a sign that I shouldn't be doing this." is automatically the train of thought I jump to. I really need to work on changing that. Instead of jumping to the worst possible scenario, I should re-train my brain to think that maybe, just maybe, instead of a permanent road block, this is just an obstacle that will make it all worth it in the end. If I push through and succeed (and I will), I can look back on this and laugh. For now I have to just rely on my skills as a baker and practice, practice, practice until I'm the very best I can be. Even after that I will aim to be better. I have to.
Heh. It's funny when you think you don't want to talk about something but once you get going it turns out that it's what needed to be said all along.
I mentioned in my last post that i'm rapidly coming up on my 30th birthday. I know it's not that big a deal and everyone goes through it but it's something that is really weighing on me. With 19 days to go until the big 3-0, I'm trying to get myself psyched up to go into this next chapter of my life on the right foot! I remember a while back near the start of the year, I had this thought about writing a blog a day for 30 days all about the "30 things I learned in 30 years". Well as you can see, life happened and I never got around to starting such a list. But today I think I might start. Of course it won't be 30 things since I don't have nearly that much time left but I think starting it even now will help me deal with this and it should be a pretty fun journey to embark on. Now I'm not talking about Socrates-style philosophical ideas. That's Yeti's job. Just simple things that we can all agree on. One-liners, to be more specific. Simple things that I could sit down and tell 15 -year old me. So my life lesson for today I guess would probably go something like this:
It really is o.k. to dance in the rain. Because sometimes that's all you can do when it feels like it won't stop. You'd be surprised how much it helps.
Fitting for my rainy day reflections, I think. :)
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