Finally...a moment to write!

Wow!

I'm not at the gym. I'm not baking something. I'm not even at WORK. I'm just sitting down and relaxing. This is RIDICULOUS and I don't even what to do with myself. I guess i'll use this time wisely and, I dunno, maybe write something for you all! :).

It feels like forever since i've had some down time to just sit and put some thoughts down/finish some of my short stories. That makes me sad. This is what happens when I can't let go of my "go-go-go" mentality where I need to be doing SOMETHING or else I feel lazy. One day I will realize that sitting down to write actually counts as doing something. I may not be burning physical calories by being up and moving (i.e. working, doing dishes, doing other household chores, baking up a storm, exercising, etc) but I know that I'm at least giving my brain a good workout and exercising my thought process.

So what have I been up to since my last post ? Well for starters this happened:

Yeti and George R.R. Martin look strangely alike. I think George was confused.

Just in case you don't know that is Yeti meeting one of his favorite authors (and one of the best fantasy writers in the world currently), George R. R. Martin.  George is the author of the "A Song of Ice and Fire" series. But you may recognize it by what its more commonly known these days: "Game of Thrones" because of some silly show on HBO or something ;). Two of my favorite authors are dead. I will never get the chance to hear Lovecraft talk about his own stories, and I'll never get the chance to ask Poe for an autograph, so it was important to me that Yeti take advantage of these amazing events with George. It was truly an honor and a privilege to have the opportunity to meet him and hear him speak! He read a few chapters of the next book in the series, answered fan questions and offered sound advice to aspiring writers in the crowd. He even took part in a talk and Q&A session with "Star Trek:TNG"writer and his long-time friend, Melinda Snodgrass. It was so much fun hearing and watching them talk together and banter back and forth about what they have learned in the business. It was an educational and eye-opening experience to be a part of. Hopefully now George will get back to work writing the next ASOIAF book so we don't have to wait 6 years for the next installment! Write like the wind, George!!

I also signed up for a cake decorating class while I was away! The Jo-Stess Bakery is really starting to step up it's game now! I'm really good at the baking part of things but when it comes to decorating, I'm  miles away from matching my grandmother and father, and LIGHT YEARS away from modern decorating techniques (i.e. gum paste, fondant). This is basically the extent of my decorating skills:

Princess cookies made for Ms. Ellie's birthday :)

T.A.R.D.I.S. cake that could use some improvement

Yeah, so frosting things and basic line work. That's all I got. I'm hoping that with some formal training and a lot of practice, I will be churning out fantastic cakes and pastries by the end of spring. I've decided that the main focus of the Jo-Stess Bakery will be (drum-roll please)......nerdy cookies and cakes! I may be looking way too far in the future but I'm looking forward to trying my hand at another bigger and better T.A.R.D.I.S. cake like the one I made for my husband last year. Maybe I can even make an edible Enterprise for my parents! The possibilities are endless! 

I'm hoping that over this next week i'll be able to sit down and actually FINISH at least one of the stories I'm working on. My week is filling up really fast but I am resolved to at least dedicating a few hours at a time to conclude a few projects before I start new ones. "The Job" is getting down to the wire with only one part to go and "Amenhotep The Black" is coming together nicely too! "The Lovecraft Paradox" has been sitting in limbo for so long that I think my main character is beginning to give up on me! I really need to get Aloysius Baxter Cunningham moving again! I kinda miss him!

So I before I lose this new found creative momentum, I'm going to stop here for now and concentrate on some of my fiction! My new goal is to post at LEAST once a week rather than everyday since I don't seem to have that kind of time anymore! Keep your eyes peeled for more new content and story updates in the coming weeks! Bear with me! I'm slowly but surely getting back into the swing of things over here :). 

On...What I'm Good At...

“Whatever the Way, the master of strategy does not appear fast….Of course, slowness is bad. Really skillful people never get out of time, and are always deliberate, and never appear busy.” - Miyamoto Musashi

Well, well, well. What have we here? Am I actually updating my blog? Shouldn't I be focused on my other rather important writing project? Probably. But that's partly what this blog is all about. This is about the things i'm good at versus the things i'm really kind of suck at. Case in point: PROCRASTINATION. I'm really great at that!! It's o.k., though. I'll make my deadline for that writing project. I work well under pressure :).

Anyway...

Just the other night I thought about how awesome it was that I could just make brownies because I wanted them. I didn't need to get a "boxed mix" out of the cabinet. I had all the ingredients and all I had to do was put them together and WHAM, I had fresh, hot, chocolate-y brownies! Take that, Betty Crocker and Duncan Hines! But until a recent conversation with Yeti, I didn't realize just how strange and special being able to just DO that is! It's just something that's in my blood, I guess!

Homemade Ring Dings

I've been surrounded by bakers most of my life. It started with my grandmother always making wedding cakes and birthday cakes for everyone, and of course her famous Whoopie Pies that she makes from scratch. I remember the day she showed me how to make them. She didn't even USE a recipe card. She didn't need a book. It was all in her head. It was amazing to watch! The best part is that they come out flawless and consistent. EVERY TIME. I know that if I made those Whoopie Pies as many times as my Nana has, I could do it from memory too!  Can I remember THAT recipe? Absolutely not (which is sads!) But I can make a mean chocolate chip cookie dough almost completely from memory and they come out pretty damn awesome if I do say so myself. 

Not only do I have my Nana to look to for inspiration, but I have my dad as well! He, too, got into the wedding cake and birthday cake baking game. My brother and I had some pretty killer birthday cakes growing up. I remember when he made the cake for my Uncle Warren's wedding. I don't think I had ever seen something so wonderful! I remember watching him make FRESH gingerbread to make houses, not the box you buy at Michael's and put together. He drew out the stencils on cardboard, cut them out, made the icing and decorated it. The level of creativity that went into it was insane! I got to bring one into school and go "My daddy made this!" It was pretty awesome :).

My "Ninjabread Men" and "Gingerdead Men"

So now I guess it's my turn to take up the proverbial spatula and whisk. My hope is that I will not only meet their level of expertise and talent, but also raise the bar!  Hell, I've already resolved to learn how to make the entire line of discontinued Hostess and Drake's snack cakes! So far The Jo-Stess Bakery has successfully recreated Twinkies and Ring Dings! I can't tell you how awesome it makes me feel to be able to do that! Not only do I get to make these treats again for my friends and family, but I can also make them without any JUNK in them. That's right! No preservatives or additives. Just pure sugary goodness. I love it!

Homemade Jo-Stess Winkies!

  The thing that i'm not so good at, however, is math. Yup that's right. I hate math because i'm terrible at it. Basic adding, subtracting, division, multiplication, fractions, etc., I got all that. But I have trouble with long-winded word problems. I have trouble applying formulas to numbers. I've just never gotten it! My academic hierarchy goes like this: English, History, Science, Math. I'm much better with words and phrases and remembering dates and times then I am about solving for "x" and "y".

Right about now you're probably thinking what in the hell this has to do with baking! It's quite simple really. What is math? A shit-ton of formulas. What is a recipe? It's also a formula! Both types of formulas are very specific and you have to follow them correctly in order to achieve the correct answer/make a delicious treat!  For example: The Order of Operations, or Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally. There is a specific way that you need to do it or else you're fucked!  In that same vein, if you put the wrong kind of flour (or not enough flour for that matter) in your recipe, you're FUCKED. Your delicious treat will be horrid! 

I guess what I find is odd that I can follow one kind of formula almost perfectly, but can't do the other kind to save my life. My brain turns to mush when you put a paper full of math problems in front of me, but I go into Zen mode when I'm working in the kitchen. I may not be able to figure out percentages quickly but I can make Ring Dings dammit! It's odd that two things that are so strikingly similar cause different outcomes. I don't fully understand why that is. 

The Job: Part 3

Greetings readers!! My apologies for the delay with this part of the story! If you have been following with my previous posts, you must know that there have been a lot of things going on over at  La Casa de Yeti. The death of my aunt, of course, being the most major. After losing someone so close, I did think about putting the kibosh on this story. I wasn't sure that I could finish. I thought I might have to rethink the entire story before I could go on. But my Aunt Sandra wouldn't have wanted me to stop. She always encouraged me to write more. That's why I realized it was important to finish this. Especially this scene. Instead of making this very crucial scene in the story something abrupt. I turned it into something beautiful. At least I think it is anyway. I turned this into a vision of what I believe came for my Aunt. Something more incredible than any of us could ever imagine. So I hope you all enjoy this third installment of "The Job", dedicated to my Auntie. 

Since it has been a long time since I posted Part 2, let me refresh your memory a bit: Our narrator finds himself accompanying Death on a job. Death's Job. On this particular job, Death has transformed from the terrifying specter it was once to a softer image. The spirit is hoping to teach our narrator a lesson regarding respect for his own life. But what  the speaker finds is, something a lot different  than he imagined...

                                                 3.

“From this point on, you are nothing but a mere shadow of yourself.” The voice of Death had also changed. It was soft and reminded me of listening to the choir as a young boy in church. “No one will be able to see you or interact with you. What brings us here today is the true nature of what I do. You seem to think you understand what my job is. Today you will learn. I am more than just a harbinger of sadness and woe.” What could I say to that? I nodded in agreement.

As if it was perfectly timed, the elevators “dinged” and the squeaky old metal doors slid open. I turned just in time to see a disheveled and confused looking young girl run out of the car straight towards us. She barreled right through us like a bullet, never acknowledging our presence. We watched as she stood quietly, mere inches in front of us staring at the two double doors. I could hear her slowly beginning to sob. The girl began to walk closer to the doors when an older man poked his head out from one of the rooms to our left. “Sarah!” he called and she turned. I hadn't noticed the little waiting room until now. Just a small room with a few chairs, an old television and a coffee table. She walked over to his open, comforting arms and he led her over to a seat. I can only imagine that this was Sarah’s father. In the room were a few older people, maybe a grandparent among them, and a few of the younger generation. I couldn't hear what was being discussed among them but I knew that it couldn't be anything good.

“Are you ready?” I heard the voice of my host call out pulling me back to the task at hand.

“As ready as I’ll ever be, I presume. I've never accompanied Death before so I don’t exactly know what to be ready for.” The Spirit nodded at me, took my arm and we walked towards those doors that poor Sarah was so fearful of. 
We walked straight through them as if they were made of nothing more than mere mist and found ourselves in front of a busy nurses station. The few patient rooms were situated around it in a circular pattern. I had been in several hospital wards over my lifetime and none had struck me with such a feeling of sadness as this one. The lights were dimmer than that of the bright hallway we were just in. All was quiet, save for some various beeps that rang out from several different directions as we walked around the room. A few white-coated doctors walked by us with furrowed brows, some with haggard looking five o’clock shadows. Eventually we stopped in front of room 504. Inside the room hung a large blue curtain that I could only imagine surrounded a hospital bed. My heart skipped a beat and I gulped. I looked up for some sign of comfort from my escort, yet it’s face was focused on the deed to be done.

As we walked through the doorway, an older nurse emerged from the curtain. I could hear just the faintest sniffle as she passed right through us. She took off her gloves, washed her hands, and grabbed a tissue from a nearby receptacle to dab at her eyes. “Not too much longer now.” I heard her say to one of her coworkers. “The family is here, right? Go get them.” This was it. I wished I could go back home and not have to witness this horrible moment in time, but there was no turning away now. The slightest tug by Death on my arm and we moved swiftly, without a rustle of the fabric, through the curtain. In front of us now, lay a woman who looked to be in her mid-70’s. Her grey hair was combed back away from her weathered and weary face. Her heart monitor beeped intermittently, and her breathing was shallow. “Is she why we are here?” I asked softly.

“She is.” The tender voice of Death responded. With this the older woman began to stir. Her eyes opened slowly and gazed upon us. A faint smile came over her face.

“Have you come for me?” she asked.

“I have, my dear.” The spirit responded. “You have come down such a long, hard road, Marion.Your rest awaits you. This illness that has taken hold of your earthly body will not follow you.”

“I understand.” She nodded. “Can I say goodbye first?”

“As you wish. Whenever you are ready, just close your eyes.” The spirit uttered these words and, without a moments notice, the older man from the waiting area poked his head through the curtain.

“Who are you talking to, sunshine?” he asked quietly. Marion smiled at him.
“Hello, Jack. Oh, you know me, just talking to myself.” She said between breaths. Jack chuckled and moved further into the room. Not far behind were Sarah and her father, accompanied by a few others. As they quietly filed in, each party acknowledged Marion in some way, whether it was a kiss on the head or a quick embrace. I backed away towards the far wall to make some room but forgetting all together that I was invisible to them. I watched as Jack grabbed Marion’s hand and squeezed it tight. His eyes began to water and a single tear rolled down his cheek.”We’ve talked about this, Jack. Don’t cry for me.” she whispered.
“I know, I know. But it’s hard not to become a rain cloud...when i’m losing my sunshine.” Jack began to choke back tears and a series of sniffles passed through the room. I was surprised to feel a tear fall from my eye as well, considering the invisible state we were in. I watched as poor Sarah gripped her father tight.
“I love you, grandma.” Sarah called out. Marion turned slowly towards her granddaughter.  

“I love you too, sweetheart. All of you. But...” Her  breathing slowed even more now. “I’ve seen....we’re i’ll be going next....and it’s beautiful.” Marion said. She looked straight past them all and into the face of Death. Jack leaned in close to her face and kissed her on the head.

“Oh Marion, I wish you didn’t have to leave us. But....if it will take this pain away from you...God, I wish I could take it from you...” Jack began to sob harder now.

“But then...i’d be in your shoes...my dear.” Marion said continuing to stare seemingly into nothingness, that they could see anyway. I looked up at the face of Death, unfazed by this overwhelmingly moving event.

“Don’t hold on for us any longer, my heart. If you can see it...go. Remember that we love you.”
“I will be with you again....one day.” Marion said. A faint smile can over Jack’s face. With that she closed her eyes slowly. At this moment, I looked right to Death for the next move. Her breathing ceased, her heart monitor gave one last lonely beep before it flat lined, and Death raised his hand. A light grew from its outstretched hand. It spoke “Marion, your soul is free now. I release you from your earthly bonds. Sit up, my dear, and join me.”  
As the light from the hand of Death grew and seemingly filled the room, I watched as Marion’s beautiful spirit emerged from her body. It was as amazing as I had envisioned it. The broken and ill woman who laid in that bed was not the same as the energy it embodied. The soul trapped within that earthly shell burst through and had the biggest smile on her face. She was quite the sight to behold. Her hair that was combed back before was now full and curly, with little slivers of silver glinting throughout it. She wore a long sun dress covered in a sunflower pattern. She was Jack’s sunshine after all. She scooted off the bed, walked her way over to Death and grabbed his hand. I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself and wonder if this incarnation of Death had a warmer grip. She turned back to take one last look at her family and the smile on her face began to fade. “Angel, “ she said “before we go....can you answer me one question?“
“I will try my level best, dear.” The spirit said with a nod.
“My poor Jack. Will he be taken care of?”
“Always. Do not worry, Marion. Although you have left this Earth, you will always be with them. We will go to a place now where you can watch them always. Until you are reunited once more.”

As the light grew, the images of Marion’s family began to weaken and grow thinner and thinner to the naked eye. Soon we were surrounded by nothing but the light! It was so brilliant and blinding, brighter than any sunny day I have observed throughout all of my days.  Within moments, another picture emerged before my eyes and what a sight it was! There was the most beautiful clear blue sky above us with not a cloud in sight. White daisies and blue wildflowers were scattered all throughout a field of emerald green grass we now stood in.  Amidst all of that, and in front of my very own eyes, were the most beautiful pearly gates I had ever seen! I could swear they were almost 7 feet tall and spanned across the wide field as far as the eye could see. It was encrusted with rubies and sapphires and even had two solid gold handles.I could not contain my happiness any longer. I grinned from ear to ear! This was Heaven after all!

In front of the gates, stood a bearded man with two gold keys that were almost as ornately decorated as the door itself hanging from a brown leather rope tied around his waist. In his hands he held a large book with gold leaf pages. He looked at us and smiled pleasantly. “Who do you bring to me now, Friend?” he said.

“St. Peter, I bring to you Mrs. Marion Jacobs. A fine woman who I believe you will find written in the Book of Life.” The spirit sounded confident in his response, but St. Peter seemed reluctant.

“Mrs. Jacobs has been expected, Friend, of that you are quite true...but who is this one you bring behind her? I do not believe I know this one.” He zeroed his gaze in on me. I gulped. Up until now I thought I was practically invisible to everyone, even Marion! But it was a good question.  What about me? Is this where my journey would end as well? Or was I going elsewhere? If Heaven exists then surely...so did the other place.

“I wouldn’t expect you to, your holiness. This is a task I alone have been entrusted with. I do not wish to bring this soul through the gates. Only Mrs. Jacobs.”

“Very well then, Spirit.” St. Peter nodded.  “This is where we part ways, as you know. Mrs. Jacobs, please, come and stand before me.”

“This is where I leave you, Marion.” Death smiled at her. “Enjoy your new home and remember: Your family will always love you and miss you. Now you go on to prepare a new place, so when they arrive...you may welcome them there. “

“Thank you, Angel. And thank you!” She said turning and looking at me “Good luck to you, wherever you end up.” I was flattered that she acknowledged me, in such a grand locale such as this. She could see me after all! I smiled at her.

“Goodbye ma’am” I said. “It looks lovely from out here!” She smiled and turned back towards St. Peter. Death walked towards me and took hold of my arm once more.

“Spirit, I can’t believe it! You’ve shown me Heaven and it is more beautiful then I could have imagined! So it’s true then, eh? The Christians had it right all along! Ha!”

“Quite the contrary, actually.” Death said as it pulled me along through the field.

“I’m confused, Spirit. Clearly this is Heaven, right?” The spirit began to chuckle as I spoke.

“This is Heaven for Mrs. Marion Jacobs, my friend.”

“So...Heaven...can change?” I asked quizzically.

“Heaven. Hell. Purgatory. Nirvana. The Summerlands. Elysium or the Fields of Aaru as it was once called in the days of old. It can be whatever you want it to be. Just as I have changed to fit the soul I am retrieving.”

“Amazing. The afterlife is purely what you make of it.” My mind was blown, but the concept made so much sense to me. How could it be that such an overwhelmingly beautiful idea of a resting place for the soul could be restricted to just one correct choice? How unfair would it be if a Buddhist was sent to Hell purely because his belief was different than that of a Christian or a Jew? This gave me a comfort I had never known before.

“Now, that’s not to say the alternative isn’t still a possibility. The same thing goes for, well, you know. A life of endless torment cannot be escaped unfortunately. You’d be surprised actually. The amount of folks I bring there and their reactions to it.”

“Do you change for them?”
“Nothing more than what you see now. Why if I were to become a purely demonic form, I imagine it would be horribly difficult to help them cross over, which is purely what I do. ”

“I can see that now.”

“Good. Now are you ready to....” Before the Spirit could finish it’s statement, the heavenly fields gave way to the biting cold vortex we had entered before but more violently and abruptly then the first time, almost chaotic! Only this time it happened violently and more abruptly than the first time, almost chaotic!  I felt no floor below my feet. “Oh no, no. I had hoped this would not happen while you were still with me. Fear not, friend. No harm shall come to you. However I must tell you, this will not be pleasant.” Death tried to reassure me as we began to fall. The stinging frozen breeze hurtled us downward. The spirit held tight to my arm and I could feel those frozen phalanges even  through my clothes! Was this it? Were we being called down to the inferno? Was the Devil himself calling us to him? I braced myself for impact at any moment.

Well there you go guys! Another installment for your reading pleasures. Now I know I'm not very good about adding new content regularly anyway but I feel it's only fair to let you know now that "The Job" may be M.I.A. for a little bit. I'm gonna be working on another project entitled "Amenhotep The Black" that i'm hoping to submit to the Innsmouth Free Press for their "Sword and Sorcery" anthology they are putting together. So sit tight while you wait...and please cross your fingers that they accept my story! 

P.S. I don't know who is responsible for the above image but...it's amazing! Whoever you are, let me know so I can properly give you credit for it!

New Years....Resolutions?

As this year comes to a close I find myself, along with many others, contemplating what my resolution for 2013 will be. So far I have come up with the following:

"Jo, get your fat ass up and BACK TO THE GYM!! RUN LIKE YOU'VE NEVER RUN BEFORE!!"

                                                 or...

"Jo, sit your lazy ass down and WRITE MORE! Seriously, how many writing projects have been shelved recently?  4? 5?"

                                                 or...

"Jo, stop eating foods that are terrible for you! You're nearly 30 for fucks sake! Your heart and GI tract will thank you for it!"

                                                or.....

"Jo, you should bake more. I mean, seriously, that's probably the one thing you're good at. Make MORE desserts!!"

                           ...and last but certainly not least...

"Jo, READ!!!!!!!! Stop buying books and saying you're GOING to read them. Just read! It's really not that hard."

As you can see I have options. In all honesty though, I'm really not that mean to myself. But every so often I think I need a little "drill instructor from Full Metal Jacket-style" motivation to get my ass in gear. Although I think I'm missing a "maggot" or two in there somewhere. 

I was doing really well for a while heading to the gym every other day, which was partnered with eating better (i.e. cooking fresh meals, fruits and veggies for lunch, etc.). Over the past few weeks with every going on, I honestly haven't been in the mood for "healthy" food or working out. I really just wanted to curl up with Yeti on the couch in my bathrobe and PJ's and drink cocoa. And that's exactly what I did. Of course I'm feeling the effects of that now. I'm even starting to get flabby upper arms. That never happens to me! Somethings gotta change and soon. It looks like it's once again time for lunch-time salads and a much needed date to get re-acquainted with the treadmill. 

On to my poor writing projects: "The Job", "The Lovecraft Paradox", "Sadie" and "Christ Of The Dead" (a collaborative effort with Yeti). I kinda feel bad leaving all of my characters in limbo. I can't tell who is in worse shape. Aloysius Baxter Cunningham just got the snot beaten out of him in an alley way and Sadie just discovered how she can use her evil powers for good but she's been unable to use them! Ugh. Part of my problem is (you guessed it) TIME! I spend all day at work in front of a computer. You'd think I'd be able to get some of these things out! And my desk is not the kind of place I can easily whip out a notebook and jot down all the strange musings in my head. It's a constant barrage of interruptions as soon as I start to get a new idea. Even as I type this, Then of course by the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is sit in front of my computer (because I could be doing something else like, I don't know, GOING TO THE GYM, or baking, or reading). What a conundrum I find myself in. 

I'm quite proud of myself that I've finally embraced my inner baker, taking after my grandmother and father. There's something truly special about making a cake that is NOT from a boxed mix. Recently, with the unfortunate demise of the Hostess Snack Cake company (or whatever it was officially called), I've decided to take it upon myself to re-create some of their delicious treats for friends and family who can't have them anymore. All from scratch and without the additional junk and preservatives. So far the Jo-Stess Bakery seems to be a hit. The problem with making delicious cakes and treats, however, is the need to EAT THEM. In a house consisting of only myself and Yeti, that makes it hard! How does one practice their baking skills and watch what they're eating at the same time? Either your baking goes stale and bad, or you eat it and consume all those calories. Unfortunate circumstances abound all over the place. 

Of all the things on my list to "resolve to do" in 2013, reading more is near the bottom.Believe me, I understand the importance of reading, especially when writing is a hobby as well. The two go hand-in-hand. I'm not saying its any less important than my other resolutions, I just feel like I could be doing something else while i'm sitting and reading. I actually have the same problem when I think about going to bed or sleeping in general. "I could be doing something constructive with my time! Who needs sleep when there are so many things I could accomplish?!" Are you seeing a pattern here? It's a vicious cycle I find myself in at times. I have so many great books i'm looking forward to cracking open! But between sleeping, eating,working, spending quality time with Yeti, going to the gym, baking, writing, cleaning my house, finding time to spend with friends and family,and finding time to breathe in between all of that....reading seems so far down the list. 

Gawd, if I feel busy now, what's going to happen when I eventually have a kid? 

My friends, does your resolution look like this? Everything is so totally doable and easy, yet so ridiculously contradictory? Fuck. I feel like this year I am missing the point of making a resolution. Aren't you supposed to feel better when you come up with these things? Now I'm just confused. Although Maybe I'm not looking at the bigger picture here. Clearly I have a slew of things I want to improve on for 2013.  Maybe what I really need to work on for this new year is time management. I'm sure i'll work out some sort of schedule soon. But I guess I better get cracking since....2013 is literally a DAY AWAY! AHHHHH!!! 

I know I can do all of this but just writing this and reading it back is making me exhausted already. Despite all of this though, I look forward to the fresh start the New Year brings. After the way 2012 decided to end, I think we can all agree on that without a doubt. Hey, we survived the end of the world right ;)? I think that's reason enough to celebrate! In the immortal words of the Monty Python gang:

Cheers to 2013!

On Being an Auntie

It is with a heavy heart that I write this post today.

This past Friday, the 21st, my beautiful Aunt Sandra lost the fight for her life. It's only been 3 days and I already miss her terribly. I have only suffered a handful of gut-wrenching losses in my 30 years on this earth and this is by far one of the worst. It is exacerbated further knowing that my brother and I were less than 12 hours away from going to see her when we heard the news. I keep telling myself (and him) that we couldn't have known. It could have happened last week, a month from now, or even a month prior. We don't have control over these things, I know, but it still hurts. I take comfort knowing she is not in pain anymore and she is not suffering. I also know that she was welcomed to the next life by my baby cousin Adam and my grandfather (or Bumpa, as he was lovingly referred to). I'm somewhat jealous of her because of that actually.  I also know that even though the wounds are still fresh and that scar will always remain when it heals, I am now and always will be surrounded by some of the most amazing and strongest people in the world to help me through; My husband, my parents, my brother, my grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends and most importantly, especially now, my niece and nephews.

I have always loved my aunts. All of them. If I may say, without sounding too boastful, I feel like I was blessed with the cream of the crop.They have shown me how to love unconditionally, given me a shoulder to lean on in dark times and have taught me what family is all about. As a child, they were all extensions of my mother. Each and every one of them looking out for me, making sure I had whatever I wanted and  most importantly that I was taken care of. Now as an adult, my aunts have become some of my closest friends. My mothers sisters Wanda and Sandra, my fathers sisters Mary and Wendy, and those who have come to me by marriage Julie, Paula, Maria and Debbie have all shown me what an Aunt truly should be.They have all brought to the table something special that I will hold dear to me for as long as I live.

 My Aunt Sandra, in particular, would always ask me every time I saw her "Are you still writing?". She was constantly giving me notebooks as gifts and would encourage me to "keep on writing". It is because of her that I am able to put this together today. It is because of her that I am proud to write this. Yes, Auntie, I am still writing and I promise to keep writing if it will make you smile in the next life.

Over the past two years, I have been given the extraordinary gift of being an "auntie" to 3 incredible little children: Ellie, Michael and Sam. Saturday night, when I was still feeling raw from the loss, I got to spend time with all 3 of them. I can't tell you how much it lifted my spirits. Seeing their faces light up as they opened their gifts from Auntie Jo and Uncle Yeti filled me with such joy. I feel so blessed and lucky to a part of these children's lives. Even though we are not blood relatives, I will still treat them as if they were. I hope that as their "auntie", I am able to impact their little lives with the love and wisdom and strength the way my aunts have for me. I will honor my Aunt Sandra's memory by being the best auntie I can be for them. 

It is hard to get excited for the Christmas season, I know. We have seen so much tragedy just in this month alone. But I think it's important to hold to our traditions and celebrations, despite all of this. The living cannot stop,well, living just because a life or even lives have ended. By all means, mourn in the way you know how or the way that you prefer, but do not stop living. Our loved ones would not want us to do that. It is important to embrace the good, along with the bad. I think this song here sums it up particularly well. "In all the places we find love, it feels like Christmas". What an important sentiment to hold on to! Fill your homes and your hearts with love this season and then send that love to the heavens. I don't know about you all but I plan to laugh often, be merry, give hugs, maybe even shed a tear or two, and most importantly use the words "I love you" as much as possible.

Merry Christmas, Auntie Sandy. Merry Christmas to those precious little souls from Newtown, CT. Merry Christmas to all, and a wish of nothing but peace and happiness for 2013. 

Some Notes On "The Job", Newtown and Family....

Writing pet peeve #1: Losing perfectly good ideas while my brain wastes away at work. Where in the world do all my ideas go?? All my strange musings and questions about this crazy ass world around me seem to disappear like someone erased the chalkboard in my brain. Maybe I should get with the times and invest in a thumb drive for my brain or something. That way nothing gets lost. Aww hell, who am I kidding? I would probably lose the thumb drive. 

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for the past few days and it’s amazing how the nature of it has changed the longer I’ve been thinking about it. The tragic events that occurred over the weekend planted the seed in my head, and my own nearly life-shattering incidents with a few of my family members caused it to grow. I feel it is only fitting since I’ve decided to examine life and death in “The Job” to let loose how these happenings have affected me. Writing has always been a coping mechanism for me, so I hope that by getting some of this off my chest, sleep will come easier than it has the past few nights.

(Disclaimer: I feel the need to emphasize that this post is strictly going to be about my own philosophy in regard to life and death. There will be no mention of gun violence/gun control or how mental illness may have contributed to the unspeakable events that occurred at Sandy Hook Elementary School. There is a time and place for those discussions to happen. This blog is strictly for my own self examination and this is how I choose to deal with this specific situation.)  

When I first started writing “The Job”, my initial goal with it was to maybe help people re-examine how they view death. In it our main character, obsessed with his own demise, is not only faced with it but also accompanies Death while it merely does what it is there to do: it’s job. In Part 3 (which I’ve yet to put up), we get to witness what happens when someone IS ready for death and how the spirit himself copes with it, trying to get our main character to understand what passing from this life to the next truly entails. Hell, we even find out where ghosts come from. However, when the subject matter hits so close to home and in such a violent manner, it’s made even me step back and re-examine my thoughts on Death. I guess that happens when you think you finally have everything figured out. 

Beginning with hearing the news of the tragedy in Newtown, CT, it seemed like Death was knocking everywhere I turned. Just as I had begun to process what happened there, I got a call (a text to be more specific) informing me that my aunt had taken a turn for the worse. Although I had been expecting a call like that for some time now, it still didn’t make it any easier to hear. Just over 12 hours later, I got another call concerning my beloved grandfather who was also admitted to the hospital after a bad fall. Armed with only the knowledge that he had fallen and was being admitted to the ICU, I broke down. When was the bad news going to stop? It got to the point where I was literally shaking in fear the next time the phone rang. It seemed as though everything was coming apart at the seams.

As I type this, however, both my grandfather and aunt are still with us. As much as I am thankful to the Fates for choosing to give my relatives more time on this Earth, I can’t help but wonder why. Seemingly their lives were spared whereas 26 people, including 20 children, all had their lives stolen from them in the blink of an eye.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but this has me baffled.

Were these innocent little lives taken to spare them from having to relive the horror of what they experienced that day? Were they just in the wrong place at the wrong time? And why did it have to happen during what is supposed to be one of the most joyous times of the year? Sometimes I wonder why my brain even goes to these bizarre places in regards to a tragedy such as this when there seems to be bigger issues at hand.

In my story, Death acts as a comforter and a healer of sorts. Death is there to come to the aide of those who are ailing, or in pain, or even those coming to the end of a truly long life and are ready to rest. It does not come as a harbinger of grief and sorrow to those who truly need it. I guess to be perfectly blunt about it you could call Death the Jack Kevorkian of the spirit world. That is how I began to view death in my adult life. I would certainly like to hold on that ideal, but it is getting more and more difficult everyday. 


I can only seem to come up with one somewhat rational idea as to why these things have transpired the way they did. I think we forget from time to time just how precious life is. We get so caught up in our fast-paced, day-to-day lives that we need reminding just how quickly things can change. Maybe this is fates way of telling us all to slow down. Enjoy this precious time that we have been given with out loved ones. Make each minute with them count. As much as it seems unfair that my grandfather and aunt will be with us longer and these poor children lost their lives, my family and I have been given more time with them. I will cherish what short time we all have left together because I don't know when they will be gone. 

I think all this yelling and going back and forth about gun control/accessibility and arguing about how to deal with the mentally ill is all for naught. Instead of yelling at the lefty liberal who wants to take away everyone's guns or that right-wing conservative that wants to arm everyone with assault rifle's, why not channel that energy into something positive? What's important right now are our children, our mothers and fathers, our grandparents, aunts and uncles, and our nieces and nephews. Choose love instead of hate. Cherish life now.

I hope that one day a tragedy such as this doesn't have to occur to snap us back to reality about our own mortality. I also hope that one day we have the real reason why these things happen and stop fighting each other over them.

The Job: Part 2

Well that took me long enough, didn't it? I have this horrible habit of making a resolution to do something regularly (i.e. writing, going to the gym, etc.) and the somehow ending up having a slew of random events filling up calender!  It's like a universal conspiracy is going on or something! Well I've got news for the Universe: This chick does not give up easily! I will get EVERYTHING I have to do done. Even if it takes me  a little while, it will STILL come to an end. So without further ado (because I know you've all been chomping at the bit, right :-p ), here is part 2 of 3 of "The Job". Quick refresher since I  know it's been a bit since the last installment: Our poor, unfortunate soul of an anti-hero just met with Death and it's quite clear that things are not going to be heading in the direction he thought they were. 

It stood quietly. It wore a tattered black robe and seemed to emit a pearlescent, unearthly shimmer. The robe billowed as if it was being blown by some unseen wind from beyond. Its face, if it had one at all, was shrouded in the darkness of the robes hood. In one hand, it held the scythe that is so synonymous with its name. The embers from my wood stove reflected off the sharp blade and it gave off a hellacious glow. I froze. Death had finally come for me.

I cried out and trembled as I slowly stood to face my fate. The moment I had been waiting for was far more terrifying than I expected. “I knew you would come for me.” I said. “I knew it was only a matter of time.” It stood silently staring at me. The vacant space that I could only identify as its head seemed to curiously tilt to one side. “So this is where it ends. For you are the great and powerful Death! This is the auspicious moment that we all must pass through. You are the undeniable force and you came just as I expected. Unannounced, like a thief in the night, ready to strike at any moment. But you’ve failed at that! I’ve known you were coming! Well go on then, take my life. I’ve been waiting for you!”

Death held up it’s skeletal hand and gestured for me to be silent. It seemed to let out a diabolical chuckle. Finally it spoke. “You say that you have been waiting for my arrival but I must ask...do you even know why I am here? And how long have you been rehearsing that eloquent soliloquy? Did you really think you would have time to recite it?” The voice was deep and echoed like it bounced off the walls of an endless cavern. I stood aghast at this statement. Why would Death ask me this? “Great and powerful, you say. I’m sorry to disappoint you but, I am anything but. Your assessment of what I do is also curious. But it only makes sense considering the, how should I put this, powers that be have listed you as ‘Alive yet Dead’ or the equivalent of a lost cause. That, my friend, is why I am here.”

“So then you’ve come to put me out of my misery?” I asked quietly.

“Ahh.” Death chuckled once again.”You are so eager to pass from this world. Maybe I should take you after all and give you what you want.”

“Ha!” I scoffed. “So I want this? Does anybody want this? How dare you imply that anyone WANTS to die. But that is how you operate, I know it. That is what you tell everyone when you get caught, isn’t it?”

“The misconceptions you have about me and what I do are laughable.”

“What kind of game are you playing at here? I don’t understand. If you’re trying to trick me,I can tell you it’s not working.”

“Silence!” The voice of Death boomed and shook the room. It filled me with such dread that I feel to floor trembling. “I am not trying to fool you! Your ignorance will be what dooms you! Now take heed to what I am about to say.” With that, I froze. I nodded silently in agreeance. Whatever Death had come for, whether it be to take my life or not, I would not actively resist but I would watch it carefully. “It is your own unknowing opinion of what we do that brings me to you this night! If you will come with me now, and allow me to show the true nature of Death, I promise that no harm will come to you.” It held out it’s arm swathed in black, tattered cloth.

I stood slowly, still feeling an impenetrable weakness and quivering running up and down my legs. Where would Death take me? Should I trust it, or him or her, or whatever it was? After all I was supposed to be ready for this, wasn’t I? I spoke not a word and cautiously took it’s bony, cold hand. At the moment I  knew this was truly real. Death really was standing in front of me and I had made contact with it. There was no turning back now. For all I knew, I could’ve been dead already. What choice did I have? “Very well then. Know this, my friend: Where I am about to take you is a place that few see. A perspective and understanding that very few are able to grasp.”

As it spoke, the walls of my home seemed to melt away like candle wax revealing a velvety blackness intertwined with bits of iridescent silver and gray moving fluidly around us. The floor rippled beneath my feet and it too dripped away, even though I still felt as if I was standing on solid ground. A biting cold breeze swirled around us. The faint glimmer from the wood stove behind me was the last bit of my reality to fade away. I watched as it’s resplendent reflection in the blade faded to nothing more than a candle flicker before it was extinguished completely. I could barely make out my otherworldly guide who stood merely feet in front of me, and whose glacial phalanges still gripped me. The stinging breeze increased to a wintry storm force gale and cut right through me like a hot knife through butter. I shivered throughout.

After several excruciating minutes being pummeled by the numbing cyclone, it came to an abrupt end. Low and behold, bits of white light shone through the void. The swirling stopped and the blackness faded. The scene beginning to emerge around us none other than the stark white cleanliness of a hospital wing. We stood in the middle of a long hallway with wooden double doors in front of us and a set of clunky old elevators which clunkily churned to our right. Various precautionary signs lined the walls. I turned to ask the spirit of Death Incarnate why we had come here, only to find that it was not the being I had exited my home with. What stood before me can be described only as a form of angel. Death now wore a long, white, silk robe and bore no staff or devilish sycthe. It had human-looking hands and a face. It’s golden hair settled neatly on it’s shoulders. I was no longer afraid of this form of Death. But why had it changed forms? What was going on? What was I about to witness? I opened my mouth to speak but it chimed in before I could even utter a syllable.

“From this point on, you are nothing but a mere shadow of yourself. No one will be able to see you or interact with you. What brings us here today is the true nature of what I do. You seem to think you understand what my job is. Today you will learn. I am more than just a harbinger of sadness and woe.”

Look for Part 3 of 'The Job" coming soon!! 

P.S. It has nothing do with Animaniacs or checkers, i've just always loved this portrayal of Death and needed to include it somewhere! You can watch an excerot from the episode here!